My life with...

These are my thoughts,
Random and unorganized.

I once saw this all as a story,

About heroes and crooks,

Where one saves you while another steals you away.

Where all sure things fall.

Today, I finally broke down towards the end of the motivational workshop,

Everything I've held back in these 2.5 years finally finding their way out.

Thank goodness Roy and Clement were good enough, 

To bring me to the washroom to cry my heart out.

So much agony I've been keeping in.

I started to crack earlier this week,

No, rather, earlier this year when you were more attached to another "him".

And the final straws were seeing you cling so much to him the last few days,

And particularly today.

To the same hero who had once talked to me about my feelings towards you.

I feel, obviously, hurt, abandoned and betrayed.

How am I supposed to react anyway?

I can't let you go, I've tried for the almost entirety of last year, 

Including trying to ignore you and telling myself that I prefer someone else but to no avail.

This year I gave up on that and decided to simply tell my feelings towards you.

Not that I think you really cared anyway, not from what I feel now.

I've always felt extremely jealous whenever you ran off, 

To talk to someone other guy way far off when I'm just here waiting for a conversation. 

Even a simple "Hi!" would do.

Yes, I know that's being selfish, but you know how that feels right?

It hurts, it's lonely, it's emptying.

I've always told myself I should be happy if you're happy,

Like what you once texted me, I can almost remember by heart now,

"... But what I'm trying to say is, 

If you like a girl, you'd want her to be happy right? 

So please, let the girl live in peace, stop irritating her and her friends. 

Don't reply to this message."

And I have no idea which friend of yours I irritated back then.

The situation seemed rather similar to today's too, 

Except you haven't said anything to me, yet.

I don't even know if you care that I cried or anything.

You're just too preoccupied with all your work right?

I felt a bit better when I saw your social updates,

Maybe, just maybe, you cared.
But after thinking again, I doubt they're about me.

Every night, I ask myself the same question,

"Why always someone else but not me?"

I understand that I completely sucked two years ago,

But after that I tried my best to change, to be the best I can be.

I studied my ass off despite being habitually lazy, 

To try and impress you too.

When you feel down, I try to cheer you up.

I know I've never helped you when you were lonely,

But I was afraid you wouldn't want me to be the one to accompany you.

Apparently I'm right anyway.

Everything I tried to do that all comes to naught.

I'm just the man on the balcony.

No one will ever remember me.

On Wednesday, 

In my frustration over this issue,

I smashed a glass vase which lacerated my thumb which is why it's like that.

Given how cold I feel now, the thought of that warmth dripping from my hand seems comforting.

Enveloping, engulfing, thermally energetic.

But of course I'd never act on such thoughts.

-I'm childish with all these kinds of things that regard the heart.-

I have this hole right here,

I only knew how to fill it with you.

Roy says I should find other things to fill it up with,

But the hole itself seems to cry out for you.

I don't know what I need,

I don't know what I should want,

I don't know what to do

After crying and being comforted by Roy,
I feel better, but not by much.
Reality is still what it is.
But in the meantime while I decide on my reaction.
I'll be side one, with side five on the outside.
Side one was never happiness, unlike what I told everyone.
Side one is my hopelessness towards you.


If you ever read this, please talk to me about this.
I need somewhere to go from here, and I want to know my hurts.