Sometimes during the day,
I'll go from really high to really low.
It's like I'm doing something and I get so caught up with it,
That I don't see the negativity of the stupid things I'm doing or the behavior that's being displayed
Then I suddenly remember my own standards,
What I want to be,
Who I want to be, Where do I want to go from here?
And then I compare these standards to what I did and the inside of me just writhes with disgust.
I know I'm not really describing this well but I'm not good with words.
I don't know what it's actually called.
To me, I only know this as a feeling of decadence,
A Decadence effect.
Defined in the free online dictionary
Decadence is the decay,
Degeneration, deterioration of morality or culture,
And/Or the state reached through such a process
It's pretty much what happens when I fail to meet my expectations of myself,
When I start to question, why am I acting like this, just what am I living for,
What is my purpose?
And I always wish I can be more self-conscious,
More self-aware to avoid doing all these stupid things.
And when I'm talking about stupid things,
I'm of course, talking about the random outbursts of idiocy from me.
In secondary 1 & 2,
I had this feeling a lot more, probably due to the sheer general immaturity of the class.
(Duh, we were all like, 13-14? No offence if you're reading this 1/2C-ians)
It got a lot better in Secondary 3,
After someone woke up what was apparently, only half my idea.
But right now, I feel like that horrible feeling tends to show up more often.
